@amanda_poops

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

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@RBColl

Have you ever looked at someone’s phone’s selfie wallpaper and look at the owner and look again at their selfie and back again to the owner?

@jordan_stratton

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

@leshnevsky

Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.

@jordan_stratton

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

@passthewhine_44

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

@Sam_From_Kansas

This waitress at Olive Garden has been grating cheese onto my plate for 13 hours now.

@jakob_huber

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

@Karate_Horse

[karate sign up table]
“Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class”

@BritXMeh

My spouse reminds me of He-Man.

He also sits around in his pants all day, needs a haircut and has a weird relationship with his sister.