Have you ever looked at someone’s phone’s selfie wallpaper and look at the owner and look again at their selfie and back again to the owner?
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
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In the wild a pumpkin can reach speeds of up to 0mph
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
This waitress at Olive Garden has been grating cheese onto my plate for 13 hours now.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
[karate sign up table]
“Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class”
My spouse reminds me of He-Man.
He also sits around in his pants all day, needs a haircut and has a weird relationship with his sister.