Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
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HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”