Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
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Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Shower sex be like:
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos