Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.

It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men

There is no try. There is only give up.

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.