Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

[at a racetrack]

DATE: Which horse are you betting on?

ME: I don’t have a horse in this race

DATE: That’s fair

ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.