[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
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Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA