[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
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Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..