[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
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God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
He’s dead
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…