[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

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Just saw a fly on my flight and all I could think was what a lazy piece of shit.


Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”


I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.


The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.


Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us


It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.


A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.


Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?


If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist