@CornOnTheGoblin

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

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@CelebrityChez

Just saw a fly on my flight and all I could think was what a lazy piece of shit.

@okimstillhungry

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

@TheCatWhisprer

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

@govindajeggy

The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.

@Brampersandon_

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

@RobDenBleyker

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

@WilliamAder

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

@Kyle_Lippert

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

@bridger_w

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist