Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos

The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.

Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.

I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.