Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.

My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.

The Friday File.

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf