Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

Good morning

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.

My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.