Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.

In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.

4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.