*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
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A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
stand with me against insufficient seating
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶