*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
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If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Sir!!
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.