*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
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If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
😭😭😭😭
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave