*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
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<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Duolingo getting serious.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
