Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

the beatles: all you need is love

haddaway: I have a question

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

The Last Dance just keeps getting better

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.