Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.

You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.