Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

I hired a roofer…

but then he came down with the shingles

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5

DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…

ME: whoa you guys serve here?

DOCTOR:…of tests.