[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
Okay this one takes it home
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Ah yes. The three genders
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Go gym
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Morning my dudes.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt