@Ideal_Victoria

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

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@upidaisy

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

@Vodkantots

Of course this is my real personality. Who the hell would fake THIS?

@copymama

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

@SardonicTart

Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?

@xLiserx

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

@dumbbeezie

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

@seamussaid

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

@JElvisWeinstein

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.