*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
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Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.