I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
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Someone married Hitler and I’m still single 🤔🤣
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
daniel radcliffe’s family were just known as the cliffe’s until his great grandfather invented the kick flip
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
When you ask me a question, would you prefer the blank stare or the eye roll as a response?
I like to be prepared.
Which US state has the smallest soft drinks? Minisoda
guy: runners, on your mark
me: *gets ready*
guy: get set
me: *gets set*
me [begins to eat hotdogs]: runners?