*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
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woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Of course this is my real personality. Who the hell would fake THIS?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.