*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

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I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, Iโ€™ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut


Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.


My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas


dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesnโ€™t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth


daniel radcliffe’s family were just known as the cliffe’s until his great grandfather invented the kick flip


Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.


When you ask me a question, would you prefer the blank stare or the eye roll as a response?

I like to be prepared.


guy: runners, on your mark

me: *gets ready*

guy: get set

me: *gets set*

guy: GO

me [begins to eat hotdogs]: runners?