@Ideal_Victoria

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

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@Impetermoran

I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, Iโ€™ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut

@lovemydogduck

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

@paopao619

My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas

@OllyiConic

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesnโ€™t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

@trojansauce

daniel radcliffe’s family were just known as the cliffe’s until his great grandfather invented the kick flip

@NintenDom

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

@vaniaperruzza

When you ask me a question, would you prefer the blank stare or the eye roll as a response?

I like to be prepared.

@lincnotfound

guy: runners, on your mark

me: *gets ready*

guy: get set

me: *gets set*

guy: GO

me [begins to eat hotdogs]: runners?