Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

idea for a movie:

a bear who is a parent

captures a psychotherapist

to cook as dinner for the cubs

and the movie is called

(and i’m very very sorry)

“kids, i honeyed the shrink”

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek