[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
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ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
*puts my mental health in rice
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.