Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

i did the math

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.

Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.

Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce

Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

Date: I know a lot of dance styles

Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too

Date: Any ballroom?

Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit

Date: What

Me: What

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

doctor: do you drink alcohol?

me: yeah a couple times a week

doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is