Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

I’m like a cheetah, but slow.

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

To the person who stole my place in the queue.

I’m after you now.

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

Finally! 😈

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

I quit my job to become an archeologist.

My career is in ruins.

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔