Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.

4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

Waiter: Did we decide?

Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.

Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

A librarian with a sense of humour…

#Oscars

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle