*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
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this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*