*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
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My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
early stone age tool
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”