*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
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I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
it must be school picture day
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Do not steal food from the science building!
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?