*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
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One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it