*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
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Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is