*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
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If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
When you try jalapeños for the first time
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
me watching my own Instagram story
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”