*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
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I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Before & after 😅
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.