*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
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*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.