Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”

Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?

1st marriage: Love, naivety.

2nd marriage: Health insurance.

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.

~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread