* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
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I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*