Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: And your references?

Me: 90’s television mostly.

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro

[Intruder breaking into my house]

Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off

Him: Huh?

Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start

Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off

Me: *tightening karate belt* I know