*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
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So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
Quadruple digit IQ
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
me: you were supposed to draw me one shape and divide it into equal shares….I see 5 cookies and…what are these?
student: dragons
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general