*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
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Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.