*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
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Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.