*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
You Might Also Like
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
The Struggle
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”