*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
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can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
gentlemen, hear me out
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Fries, not lies.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
Already got one
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?