*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
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my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
never forget
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*