Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

Same post same

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”

If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.