“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
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* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
eggs benadryl
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….