*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
You Might Also Like
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Saw your ex at the shops
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time