*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
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I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better