*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
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Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I can’t stop watching this.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed