*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*
eyes: *water*
*looks like I’m crying in meeting*
me: yeah this is better
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Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I identify as an antique shop.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.