Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”

My plans: 2020:

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!