Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

Police: Sir, you account is hacked.

Me: Twitter?

Police: No, bank account.

Me: Oh, thank god !!

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS

My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs

Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.