[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
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[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
crochet youtube is brutal
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas