Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a

Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

I’m sure it’s fine.

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

Vodka burrito was a success

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree