Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born

Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.

Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?

– Beaver

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

thanks auntie mary

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.