Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Did you like that story?

5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.

Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.

5: There’s another ending? Tell me.

Me: You don’t need to know.

5: Tell me, Tell me!

Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

*pounding on her chest*

DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!

*pounds harder*

(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!

CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.