Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.

A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?

Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.

8: Never mind.

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!

My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”

My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra