*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
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i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
How funny!
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat