*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
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My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.