*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
scenes of unspeakable carnage
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*