*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
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doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
why isn’t thunder called soundning
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.