Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

Skip intro

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin

store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

Frog: WAKE ME UP!

Snake: Wake me up inside!

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

Growing up was a huge mistake

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me

Therapist: That’s where I can help

Me: Great

Therapist: They don’t

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.