[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
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“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Thank you corporation very cool
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT