[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
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You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?