Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?

Me: Which one helps with reflux?

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train