[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
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genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Personal question. #JustSaying
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
OH. COME. ON.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)