Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

The Friday File.

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

Childbirth is so beautiful

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.

It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets