[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
You Might Also Like
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
*puts my mental health in rice
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more