*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
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“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work