*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
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Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Hmmmmm
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.