*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
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No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table