*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
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I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
ready to be harvested
When libraries troll their patrons.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.