*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
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Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.