Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
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Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane