Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead

-Me after pizza

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…

Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”

Baker: “What type do you want sir?”

Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”

Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

i like to flex on them by shrugging