*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
You Might Also Like
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.