*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
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A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR