* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
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i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Happy Febuary everyone!
no such thing as a dumb question
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Bringing home a sharpie
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.