* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
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[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.